Transforming Relationships: Lucy Cavendish's Latest Book and Talk at The King's Arms in Dorchester 

How to Have Extraordinary Relationships (with Absolutely Everybody) 

Lucy Cavendish is a writer, therapist, award-winning podcaster, and author. See her at the King’s Arms, Dorchester, where she will talk about self-awareness, taking responsibility and making different choices – and how this can lead to improved relationships with everyone – including your own self, and life.  

27th November 2024 at 7:00pm to 8.30pm, tickets £5 plus booking fee.  

To find out more, and to book, visit: https://thekingsarmsdorchester.com/event/how-to-have-extraordinary-relationships-with-absolutely-everybody 

 www.lucycavendishlovecoach.com

In the world of relationship literature, few names are as recognised and respected as Lucy Cavendish. With a prolific career that spans decades, Lucy has not only had a diverse profession in journalism – contributing to renowned publications such as the Daily Mail, The Guardian, The Independent, The Telegraph, and The Times – but has also authored numerous bestsellers. More importantly, she has become a light of wisdom for those of us navigating the complex waters of human connections. Her latest book is no exception, offering fresh insights and heartfelt advice. 

As someone who has long admired Lucy’s work and the life she has built, I approached our interview with a mix of excitement and apprehension. After all, Lucy embodies a balance of professional success and personal fulfilment that I have always aspired to – a celebrated author, a mother of four, and the possessor of a seemingly perfect life.  

However, from the moment our conversation began, Lucy’s warmth and charm put me at ease. She reminds me that each of our journeys is unique and that there is no single path to happiness and success. And her journey hasn’t been without its trials. She has faced a series of devastating losses. Yet, from this crucible of pain emerged a new Lucy, one whose resilience and wisdom I deeply admire. 

While I am saddened by the hardships she endured, I am inspired by how she has transformed her experiences into a force for good, using her talents as a writer and therapist to make relationship advice accessible for countless people. Her pain, it seems, was not in vain. For those reading this, let Lucy’s journey be a light of hope: no matter how dark the night, the dawn is within us, bringing with it the promise of new beginnings and the opportunity to turn our struggles into strengths. 

There was a time when I desperately wanted to be like the old Lucy, but life had other plans. I might not have awards on my shelves or the big family I wanted, but that is okay as Lucy taught me to appreciate my own experiences. And while I may not be the original successful journalist Lucy, I find myself aspiring to be the Lucy of today: wise, compassionate, and ready to help others. Like Lucy, I am deeply committed to helping and inspiring local people and communities. This is why I am encouraging everyone to attend her book talk at The King's Arms in Dorchester. I believe that Lucy's knowledge and empathy can offer invaluable guidance to people, fostering better relationships and a stronger sense of connection. By learning from her journey, we can build a more supportive and connected community right here in Dorchester. 

I also invite you to read our conversation, where Lucy’s insights and my curiosities collide in the most delightful way.  

First, I ask Lucy to explain why her career transitioned from journalism to psychotherapy. She recounts her extensive experience as a journalist, writing for prominent publications and working alongside notable figures like the journalist, author, broadcaster and podcaster Bryony Gordon.  

A Book Born from Adversity

Then, ten years ago, Lucy reached her limit with journalism, especially with the relentless pressure to produce sensational headlines. "I became very disillusioned with what I was doing as a journalist, and I retrained as a psychotherapist. Journalists are curious people, and we love stories, we love drama, we love to get beneath the stories.  I was really interested in why people do what they do”. This passion for uncovering the deeper aspects of people's lives, her desire for integrity and helping people, all led her to the world of therapy and coaching — a field she finds endlessly fascinating. “When I interviewed people, I was really interested in them, rather than a headline. But the editors at the time wanted big headlines and I felt uncomfortable about that. So, I retrained as a therapist, and I stopped journalism completely. I want integrity, I want to help people instead”. And, after undergoing extensive training, Lucy found herself being asked to write again. This time, she approached writing from the perspective of helping others and sharing her knowledge. The combination of her journalism and therapy skills proved effective, allowing her to write about relationships, and leading to the book “How to Have Extraordinary Relationships (with absolutely everybody)”. 

The book is the fruit of a deeply challenging period of her life. In 2020, her marriage broke down, she faced significant financial loss and the heart-breaking decision to sell her beloved family home of 25 years. But this was just the beginning of a tumultuous time. Lucy also experienced profound personal losses. Her sister (to whom the book is dedicated) passed away suddenly and unexpectedly in July 2022, and a very close friend who had been diagnosed with an incurable brain-wasting disease, also passed away. These events created a period of immense upheaval in her life.  

Lucy found solace and strength in her work. Her dedication to helping others through her writing and therapy work became a source of stability and purpose amidst the hardships. And above all, the important relationships in her life were the force to keep her going. She found support not only from her mum and children but also from her extended family, including nieces, nephews, brothers, and her late sister, whose wisdom she often reflected upon.  

According to Lucy, everyone reaches a crisis point at some stage in their lives, and it's during these times that the value of strong relationships becomes evident. Loss, grief, and love are universal experiences that affect everyone, regardless of their circumstances. “You could be a billionaire, or you could be on Skid Row, but heartbreak is heartbreak however you dress it up. And silly decisions are silly decisions, and we've all made them”.  Her mission became writing a book that summarised her work and ideas, making them accessible for people to benefit from. "I thought if I wrote a book that somehow encapsulated the bones of how I work and what I'm saying and what I think and how, so that people can go out and buy the book, and for however much, that is hopefully helpful. They won't have to spend thousands of pounds on therapy, and then I do videos and podcasts, so if people want to take it further, there are other resources.”  

Why We Struggle with Relationships

During our conversation, I ask why she thinks so many of us struggle with relationships. I am curious about her perspective on why forging strong connections can be so challenging for many people. 

"A lot of this is that we model what we see. Most parents try their best, but some of them are in their own trauma state, so they don't really know how to parent.  They may not have been parented very well themselves”.  We also talk about the human tendency to mask our true feelings, particularly when it comes to pain. “What can I do to help myself in this state? How do I get through it? Many of us struggle with vulnerability and don't ask for help. When people ask how we are, we often say we're fine, even when we're not. We brush off concerns, saying, "Don't worry about me”. I acknowledge that many of us go through life avoiding pain, which is a natural response, but Lucy highlights an important truth: growth often comes with pain.  Emotional and mental pain, she explains, are not permanent states. Lucy concludes that while most of us try to avoid pain, there is no growth without it. Emotional and mental pain won't last forever, and working through it is essential for personal development. 

“That's fine, but there is no growth without pain. I'm sorry to say this. But when you're in pain, what you need to know is this won't go on forever. I'm not talking about physical illnesses, but if you're in emotional, mental pain, this will not go on forever”. 

We touch on the difficulty many people have with vulnerability, which can prevent them from seeking help. This, I suggest, is compounded by societal expectations to appear strong and successful, leading to a reluctance to admit when we’re not fine. But Lucy suggests that we don’t need to conform to these expectations and that it’s okay to show vulnerability and ask for help when needed. It’s a reminder that everyone experiences pain and that it’s a shared human experience, not something to be ashamed of.  

As Lucy shares her thoughts, I begin to understand what authenticity or being oneself truly means. She explains that many of us struggle with vulnerability and often hide our true selves. “One person's success might be another's failure, and we need to move away from that judgmental mindset. Strength is often overrated. While resilience is important, many of us are too resilient and never ask for help when we're in pain. It takes a lot of strength to show vulnerability. When we embrace our vulnerability, we become more authentic and stronger. People are drawn to authenticity; it's a very attractive quality. Authentic people are magnetic, and others want to emulate that”. This conversation makes me realise that being authentic means embracing our vulnerabilities and being honest about our feelings, even when it's difficult. I learn that authenticity involves acknowledging our imperfections and being open about our struggles. It's about being genuine and true to us which, in turn, allows us to build deeper and more meaningful connections with others.  

A Unique Seven-Step Process for Enhancing Relationships

We finally delve deeper into the book, exploring a unique seven-step process designed to enhance both personal and professional relationships. Lucy suggests that while the process is most effective when followed sequentially, readers have the flexibility to approach it in a non-linear fashion, especially if they feel confident in certain areas. Each step is crafted to address significant relational themes, with some steps, such as active listening, presenting more of a challenge than others. This approach allows readers to tailor the process to their individual needs, fostering growth and improvement in their relationships. "In the book the first step is active listening, it is learning how to listen to people attentively, rather than thinking about what's the next thing that you're going to do. So that's very respectful if you're listening to somebody and you are letting them know, okay, I'm here, I'm listening to you”.  

A significant focus in therapy is helping people shift unhelpful narratives they tell themselves. Such shifts, however, are challenging as people often cling to stories, they believe are true. “We're also changing our narrative. So that's thinking about what is the story I tell myself when things don't work out? What is the story I tell myself about me? I'm never chosen. I'm not good enough. All those stories will be playing out in all our relationships. And then finding empathy for people – which is also about validation. I understand that you feel x, y, z. That makes sense to me”. The next step is about the process of healing, which is essential for fostering healthier relationships, both with others and within us. “Then we have to go into a bit of healing.  We heal ourselves so that we're coming to people less broken, more available for good relationships. Think about where we put our energies”.  Finally, the last step is about reflecting on where we invest our energy and ultimately understanding our place in the world. “Then we're thinking, hopefully by the end, about our relationship with ourselves, those around us, and actually our universe. That's where we end up. Who am I in this world? How do I want to be in the world? Start having a relationship with yourself and with the actual planet that you live on – the environment that you're in”. 

One common difficulty in this process is taking personal responsibility in relationships. “Many people, especially in couples therapy, tend to blame the other person, yet relationships are co-creative, involving both individuals’ behaviours. Personal responsibility is emphasised – owning even a small part of relationship issues can be transformative. And the other one that people find difficult is taking responsibility for relationships. A lot of couples come and say he did this, and she did that. It's very hard for them to take responsibility for their own behaviour”. Lucy stresses the importance of mindful interactions and small changes in outlook, like consciously choosing to interact positively, which can shift energy in relationships. “I think if we hold those things very close to ourselves and we behave in a way that we think is the best way to behave, inevitably the other person will start to change. If you start shifting your energy on what you're doing, people respond to you differently”. 

What Attendees Can Expect from the Event

I then ask Lucy what she thinks people attending the event at the King's Arms would gain from it. She would like attendees to feel inspired and to have a sense of personal growth. Lucy mentions that in her previous talks, people have gained insight into relationships and taken responsibility for their own actions. She encourages everyone to ask questions and engage with her, whether they come as couples or singles. Lucy believes that sharing her story and the therapeutic work she has done can help others understand the importance of investing in the quality of their relationships. “I hope they will come and feel inspired. I hope they will come and have some ‘aha’ moments. I've done a lot of talks. Lots of people get many different things, about how to have relationships – things that they take responsibility for. People are like, oh, my God, that's me! I talk to anyone that wants to come and talk to me. I take all questions and answer them to the best of my ability. People come in couples.  People come in single – I do a lot of relationship work.  I tell them my story because I think it's helpful to know where I come from. I tell them how I feel that it's changed my life. I basically feel pretty happy most of the time because I've done a lot of therapeutic work and made good choices. And I'm very aware of the quality of my relationships and how I invest in them in a way that I wasn't before – and that has paid back a squillion times over.” 

Lucy also highlights the importance of community, especially in a local area like Dorchester. She believes that fostering better relationships starts with awareness and small acts of kindness. For example, taking a moment to talk to someone who might be lonely can make a big difference. She encourages people to think about what their community needs, whether it's volunteering, supporting food banks, or simply being more present and engaged with those around them. By working on an individual level and letting these actions ripple out, communities can become stronger and more connected. Lucy believes that everyone has a role to play, whether it's leading initiatives or supporting them in smaller ways, and that building a sense of community is crucial in combating loneliness and fostering a supportive environment. “Community is incredibly important. Wherever you are – you walk to the park, there's an old lady sitting on the bench. Right, you're going to walk past. Part of me goes, stop, don't walk past. You could, surely you have one minute, two minutes, five minutes to stop and talk to that person. Part of it is becoming aware. What do people need in your community? Do people need us to volunteer? Do people need us to do food banks? It's not just about the individual. You start thinking, well, hang on a minute, what's helpful for my community? How to Have Extraordinary Relationships (with absolutely everybody). And communities take all sorts of people. Some people are activators and leaders, and some people aren't. This is all good. Know who you are. If you're someone that likes to go and pack the boxes, and do the ribbons, because you're quite a neat kind of person that likes things to look, go do that.  If you're a person that wants to grow vegetables in every public space in Dorchester, go do that. And find other people to help you. And then seeing a volunteer in a shop – building communities – we all know how important that is – and then people start emulating what you’re doing – that is why it’s so important”. 

As we wrap up this conversation, I ask her if she thinks that really everyone can be happy and, more joyous, more connected and have better relationships. “I do. And I think it’s because we have choices.” 

This powerful statement underscores the core message of Lucy’s work – that happiness and connections are within our reach, and it all begins with the choices we make. Lucy’s book is more than just a guide; it’s an invitation to take control of our lives and relationships, to heal, and to grow. 

For those seeking to embark on this transformative journey, I encourage you to connect with Lucy or read her book. It’s a resource that promises to equip you with the tools needed to make meaningful changes and to choose a path that leads to joy and fulfilment. 

Remember, the power to shape your life and relationships lies in your hands. Choose to be happy, choose to connect, and choose to make a difference in your world. Thank you for joining us today, and may your choices lead you to a life filled with joy and strong, healthy relationships!